singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
farters have to be the big spoon...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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