Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
It's never too late to be topless.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.