My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"