My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"