I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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