just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?