Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.