Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars