so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.