I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
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I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.