my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
