She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment