I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...