It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.