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i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
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