Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.