He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.