o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
