After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
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I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
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He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.