Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
ra ra ra ah ah
sexting lady gaga style
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.