So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
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when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
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I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.