We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
This Twitter User’s Story About Meeting A Notorious Serial Killer Will Leave You Shook
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
20+ Wholesome Memes You Need In Your Life Right Now
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.