did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
Intervention is following me on twitter.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."