The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.