It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore