she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.