she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
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Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.