She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
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Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
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She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried