I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.