dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
