"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?