When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
But do you think a lot of ppl use facebook as a masturbation supplement to porn?
Let me make clear that I am not a facebook masturbator
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"