You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him