I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.