His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
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i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
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I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"