i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
