I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.