Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...