I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
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This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
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he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?