Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
