omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm passing your future prison.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
