A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay