it's like her boobs came off with her bra
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero