he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
