And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
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you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
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there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.