my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
