The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate