dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
