WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.