You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures