My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.