A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?