sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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